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back in the 20's this eccentric millionaire had a swimming pool full of alagators and a beautiful daughter one day he decided to hold a contest to select her husband
he gathered all the eligible young men to his home and they gathered around his pool and the man said
witch ever one of you can swim a cross this pool gets my daughter and a million bucks
no sooner had he said this then there come a splash and a scream and this young man was a swimming and punching and fighting his way through the pool to pull him self out the other side
the millionaire runs over and declares son thats the bravest thing i ever saw you can have the money and my daughter
panting with his hands on his knees the young man says you can keep the cash and the girl just point to the bastard who pushed me in the pool


if you got a knee slapper lets here it

HA... cool.

I would have said, "Can the Bastard who push me down raise his hand. I want to thank him for making me a millionaire and have a beautiful wife."

if you have a funny joke post it here we need all the humor we can get these days

Maybe you should also ask for those jokes that make you laugh at how bad they are, like these (Yes, I got them from Fallout 3):

Two Atoms walked into a bar. One turned to the other and said "I think I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"


Neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic...



Puns may also be something you want to accept, and here is my best one:

Ghandi walked around barefoot alot, and as such worked up an impressive set of callouses. And due to his odd diet, was rather frail and had a constant case of bad breath. So, this made him what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Anyway, hopes that jump-starts the thread.

Omegano

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

@Spec, WOW..... that is dripping with punniness....

-DM

sweet keep em coming puns and all good or bad we need the laughs

I'm bored.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks "is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers ..."
The woman giggles and replies, "well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast .."

@Spec, Nice!
-DM

How To Stop Older People Bugging You About Getting Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Q: What is a software project manager's definition of a man year?

A: 730 programmers trying to finish the job before lunch.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

A router comes into a doctor's office and says: it hurts when IP

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little squirt O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.