A farmer is working in his fields one day when a black SUV pulls up the lane and out steps a man in a dark suit and sunglasses. The visitor identifies himself as an agent for the DEA and says he's there to search the farm for illegal drugs.
The farmer, without stopping his work, tells the man to go ahead and search anywhere he wants to, just not to cross over the fence into the pasture to the south.
The agent pulls out his badge and tells the farmer "See this badge? It gives me the authority to go whereveR I want to and there's nothing you can do to stop it."
The old farmer just shrugs his shoulders and continues on with his work.
A short while later the farmer hears the agent screaming for help, so he drops his tools and runs in the direction of the sound. Of course the sound is originating from the south pasture. As the farmer stops at the fence he sees the agent running for all he's worth, with a 2300 pound prize bull in pursuit.
Thinking quickly, the farmer climbs to the top of the fence, cups his hands around his mouth, and shouts "SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Jokes Thread
Moderator: Sennadar Moderators
Re: Jokes Thread
its not bad ,
CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy
CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL WARNING
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy
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kabalman2000
- Sorcerer
- Posts: 99
- Joined: Sun May 27, 2007 5:43 pm
Re: Jokes Thread
Warning: Longest way to a bad pun follows. You have been warned.
So, during the dot com boom this guy had an idea and made a couple of billion by selling his company. But then he got bored. He decided that he needed a pet to help fill up his time.
He went to a pet store and talked to the owner. He said he didn't want a dog, cat, or some other normal type of pet; no, he wanted something unusual that he could show off. The pet shop owner, being no fool, said he had just the thing: a rare breeding pair of dolphins.
"Dolphins?" the buyer asked, "What's so rare about them?"
"Well, if you feed them only ocean birds, they'll live forever."
This intrigued our dot commer and he bought the mammals and had a large salt water pool fitted out for them behind his mansion's garage, put the dolphins in, and set out across town to pick up a supply of ocean birds from a specialty shop.
While he was driving an alert came in over the radio that Leroy "King of the Jungle" had escaped from the circus visiting town and that anyone who saw him should call but not be too concerned as Leroy was old, tame, and mostly liked to sleep.
The proud pet owner got back to his house with his purchase, got the crate of ocean birds out of the back of his SUV, and carried the large box around the side of the garage towards the pool.
But there was Leroy. Blocking the path by the simple expedient of laying crosswise to it in the sun, fast asleep.
Our nerd figured, what the hey, and quietly crept up to Leroy. Slowly and carefully he stepped over the sleeping cat balancing his large box in his hands.
Just as his second foot made it safely down on the path a dozen FBI agents rushed out of the bushes and arrested him as part of a sting operation code named Flipper. You see, the pet shop owner and the circus master were in on it. Those weren't dolphins he bought and Leroy was carefully placed where he needed to be. Our nerd was charged with:
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
(For those outside the U.S., the Mann Act is a Federal law that includes prohibitions on transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes.)
So, during the dot com boom this guy had an idea and made a couple of billion by selling his company. But then he got bored. He decided that he needed a pet to help fill up his time.
He went to a pet store and talked to the owner. He said he didn't want a dog, cat, or some other normal type of pet; no, he wanted something unusual that he could show off. The pet shop owner, being no fool, said he had just the thing: a rare breeding pair of dolphins.
"Dolphins?" the buyer asked, "What's so rare about them?"
"Well, if you feed them only ocean birds, they'll live forever."
This intrigued our dot commer and he bought the mammals and had a large salt water pool fitted out for them behind his mansion's garage, put the dolphins in, and set out across town to pick up a supply of ocean birds from a specialty shop.
While he was driving an alert came in over the radio that Leroy "King of the Jungle" had escaped from the circus visiting town and that anyone who saw him should call but not be too concerned as Leroy was old, tame, and mostly liked to sleep.
The proud pet owner got back to his house with his purchase, got the crate of ocean birds out of the back of his SUV, and carried the large box around the side of the garage towards the pool.
But there was Leroy. Blocking the path by the simple expedient of laying crosswise to it in the sun, fast asleep.
Our nerd figured, what the hey, and quietly crept up to Leroy. Slowly and carefully he stepped over the sleeping cat balancing his large box in his hands.
Just as his second foot made it safely down on the path a dozen FBI agents rushed out of the bushes and arrested him as part of a sting operation code named Flipper. You see, the pet shop owner and the circus master were in on it. Those weren't dolphins he bought and Leroy was carefully placed where he needed to be. Our nerd was charged with:
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
(For those outside the U.S., the Mann Act is a Federal law that includes prohibitions on transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes.)
Re: Jokes Thread
He was grounded so they couldn't make the charges stick!
Rational people have supported the worst dictators of history - Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, etc.
I'm mad - at least I have an excuse for what I do.
I'm mad - at least I have an excuse for what I do.
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Fiferguy
- Cloudy, 12C, to -2C o/n with a chance of scattered postings
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- Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2005 5:03 pm
- Location: Kidarn Mountains of Dolaria
- Contact:
Re: Jokes Thread
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it’s good). A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it’s good). A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Re: Jokes Thread
groans.. guys some of these are just so bad 
Re: Jokes Thread
cultural insight-- New zeland has i think has Per capita the largest sheep in the world. something like 70 sheep to one person. Hence ,Its the source of a lot of sheep based humor , risque and otherwise .
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
Re: Jokes Thread
Australia has more sheep in total. New Zealand has more sheep per capita.dellstart wrote:cultural insight-- New zeland has i think has Per capita the largest sheep in the world. something like 70 sheep to one person. Hence ,Its the source of a lot of sheep based humor , risque and otherwise .
Hence all the jokes us Aussies make about Kiwis, the Kiwi's make back at us.
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DigitalMaestro
- Sui'Kun
- Posts: 269
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- Contact:
Re: Jokes Thread
Kiwis... lol
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Fiferguy
- Cloudy, 12C, to -2C o/n with a chance of scattered postings
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Re: Jokes Thread
MontaAaAaAaAaAaAaAanAaAaAa... where men are men, women are single, and sheep are scared...dellstart wrote:Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
Re: Jokes Thread
"Baaaaa" means "No".Fiferguy wrote:MontaAaAaAaAaAaAaAanAaAaAa... where men are men, women are single, and sheep are scared...dellstart wrote:Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.
Here's another for you:
How does a Kiwi find his sheep on the tall, cold, wet grass?
Spoiler
Show
Very satisfying
Edit: Where's Greymist when you need him?
Re: Jokes Thread
Duly noted . thanks mate.
Ok since we are on the subject of kiwis, here's another
there was a english man irish man and maori man and they all wanted to join the army but they had to pass a test first..the english man went in and the guy asked ..what would happen if one of ur eyes got stabbed out? he said ill be half blind then he goes what would happen if both ur eyes got stabbed out..the englishman said ill be full blind..the guy said sweet u pass...next.. so the irish man came in and the guy asked the same questions and the irishman said the same answers so he passed too...the maori man was listening at the door for the answers so the guy thought he'll change the questions...he goes to the maori man...what would you do if one of ur ears got cut off..the maori man said ill be half blind then he goes what would you do if both ur ears got cut off and the maori man goes ill be full blind and the guy goes whys that?.....and the maori man goes....cause ill have no ears to hang my glasses on.
Ok since we are on the subject of kiwis, here's another
there was a english man irish man and maori man and they all wanted to join the army but they had to pass a test first..the english man went in and the guy asked ..what would happen if one of ur eyes got stabbed out? he said ill be half blind then he goes what would happen if both ur eyes got stabbed out..the englishman said ill be full blind..the guy said sweet u pass...next.. so the irish man came in and the guy asked the same questions and the irishman said the same answers so he passed too...the maori man was listening at the door for the answers so the guy thought he'll change the questions...he goes to the maori man...what would you do if one of ur ears got cut off..the maori man said ill be half blind then he goes what would you do if both ur ears got cut off and the maori man goes ill be full blind and the guy goes whys that?.....and the maori man goes....cause ill have no ears to hang my glasses on.
Re: Jokes Thread
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking
a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the
father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks
the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the
father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks
the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
I'd gladly travel back in time, except I would have to wait longer for the next chapter of Fel's work...sorry, pass.
Re: Jokes Thread
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
I'd gladly travel back in time, except I would have to wait longer for the next chapter of Fel's work...sorry, pass.
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Fiferguy
- Cloudy, 12C, to -2C o/n with a chance of scattered postings
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- Joined: Tue Feb 01, 2005 5:03 pm
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- Contact:
Re: Jokes Thread
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And, do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And, do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."