Jokes Thread

[firedrake3]

"The only people who have anything to fear from free software are those whose products are worth even less." -Linus Torvalds

[firedrake3]

so he leaves.
the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here,"
A tachyon walks into a bar,

[Spec8472]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said " A Government of the People, by the People, for the People,shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar."Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows
more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fu%k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now,who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're fu%ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "Robert Mugabe to his cabinet at the declaration of the presidential election results-April 2008."

[firedrake3]

"Your code is like your boyfriend or girlfriend. It's okay to talk about it on an abstract, high level. But you don't want to go into the specific details, and you certainly don't want to share." - Pascal Van Hentenryck, Professor of CS, Brown University, 1997

[Spec8472]

so he leaves.
the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here,"
A tachyon walks into a bar,

wait, is that a temporal mechanics joke?

[firedrake3]

Microsloth Windows - A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

[firedrake3]

Klingon Programmer

Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:

1. Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best.
2. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
3. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
4. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
5. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
6. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
8. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.
9. I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.
10. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
11. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
12. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
13. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
14. Our competitors are without honor!
15. Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary.
16. Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi.
17. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
18. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
19. My program has just dumped Stova Core!
20. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!

[firedrake3]

Why have you not bought a Mac yet?
If I'm going to spend money on something that's cute and intelligent, it better look good in a miniskirt.

[firedrake3]

Internet Explorer is like christianity, it got its popularity because it's preinstalled on majority of computers

[firedrake3]

If you want REAL hardware acceleration you can get a good 9.81 m/s^2 by releasing the mass of the laptop from a significant height.

[firedrake3]

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

[firedrake3]

<A> you want a knife?
<B> no thanks. linux users use forks.

[expedient]

Can't remember where I heard this but here's my take on it:

When I was a young man I found myself in the company of my great uncle, a man whom my mother never objected to us visiting but always seemed reluctant to come see. All of us boys loved his tales about his adventures overseas with the navy and the strange myths and legends from his homeland.

Though I don't remember his exact words, what follows is the story he told one day.

"In the village where'n we grew up," he began in his deep brogue, "in those days, not like now, the boys and girls, when they got to that age, they couldn't just go out on the town, hold hands and date, like. Not like you's can now."

He hardly moved but with a long sigh he conveyed all the lament of those long past years.

"Marriages were arranged you see, with the supposed help of the Church. The Church was powerful then, an if'n it t'weren't blessed, then there could be almighty trouble for your family. And them Church dances and events they were formal and drab things where you're every move was beaded by the priest and the ma'ams.

But, boys'll be boys and girls have their impulses, too. The punishments though, they was bad. They'd not wait for your ma and pa like they would now, they'd lash ya. First a tongue lashing, then cane and then repeating until they got what they wanted from you's."

The gentle movement of his hand had me jumping at each down stroke.

"One day though, one day, an enterprising young fella he started something that became known as the 'Village Secret'.

You see there was a wise old women who lived in a cottage by the woods. No one knew for sure but it was said that she was a witch. Certainly the priest had no like for her. But there were two things that we all knew of her."

I interrupted his tale at this point, because back then I was a bit of a smart aleck, "Don't tell me, the first thing was that she was wise. And the second, that she was old."

My great uncle gave me a long withering stare and said, "If you don't want to hear the story, I can stop."

It wasn't a good idea to get on his bad side, so I carefully swallowed and said, "No, sorry I heard that on TV once."

He gave me a weary indulgent smile and a after a short breath continued.

"The old lady. No, she knew secrets of the herbs of the forest that the doctors didna know. Sometimes folk would go to her for remedies when the doctors couldn't help. Sometimes instead. But they'd be careful not to let the priest know.

The second thing was that she was clever. Devious, like. She could have people who'd insult her running around not knowing what was going on, 'til they'd cotton on much later that they'd been had."

He shook his head in memory, "The priest, ha. The things she did to him."

He chuckled gently, deep in his chest, "But those are stories for a different time.

This story is about the 'Secret' and the boy who went to ask her for advice."

"Were you the boy?" I asked, as he took a breath.

"Me? No. I wouldn't have asked the old lady this. No this boy went to the wise woman and told her how all the boys got frustrated with the way things worked and how they couldn't get any, alone time I guess you might call it with the girls. How they were always supervised by the priest or the ma'ams. And he asked if she could help."

My uncle lay further back in his chair with a satisfied smile on his face. I watched him for a moment before asking, "And did she? Did she come up with a plan?"

He chuckled and widened his smile, "Oh yes, she came up with a plan alright. It's the 'Secret', see. But she didn't tell him then, she told him to come back in a few days and she'd have a ways for him to help all the boys in the village."

"All of them?"

"All. You see when he went back the wise woman told him the plan. The boys were to arrange formal tea dates with the girls they liked with a church lady to chaperone. She gave him a packet of herbs to steep in the tea that would cause any who drunk it to be drowsy but compliant and would suffer memory loss. That way, if they were careful, the chaperones would never realise the the young couple had sneaked off for an hour or so of unsupervised fun."

He smiled again.

I slowly began to frown, "but what about the girls, wouldn't some of the boys drug the girls too?"

He nodded replying, "Yes, of course, and that's the beauty of it."

I was beginning to be less than impressed.

"How, isn't that rape?"

"No, that's the beauty of the secret. The boys thought that they knew the 'Secret'. The old lady had told them only to drug the chaperone, but they quickly saw that they could improve their chances by drugging the girl of their affections too, have their way and no one would be any wiser. But the old lady, she was wise, see.

After the boy'd come see her, she spoke to some of the girls. She told them about the boys plea for help. She told them of the drug and its affects. She told them of the plan she'd tell the boys and how they'd likely abuse that plan."

"So, why go through with it?"

"Well the boys t'weren't the only only ones getting frustrated, see. Once the girls knew of the plan they could work around it. Avoid the tea, pretend to be drugged and have a little fun with a boy they liked."

He had a smug smile on his face again. I wasn't so sure about the whole thing.

"And they went along with this?"

"Well they had some reservations. The old lady gave them herbs to keeps them from getting pregnant and when the girls worried about the pain of losing their maidenhead, the old lady told them she could sort that out. She had something that could fix that. So one by one they spent some time with the old lady and then they'd be ready to have some fun with the boys. And they were excited."

"Did it work?"

"There were some difficult moments with some of the more on the ball chaperones who couldn't explain all the missing time. And at first the boys were right nervous and clumsy, but over time the boys got what they wanted and thought they were in control. The girls got what they wanted and could choose when to fall for the trick. And the old lady, well, she never did like the ways of the Church much."

"And the priest, he never found out?"

"No he heard rumors of a 'Village Secret' but he never could figure it out. The boys, they thought they knew the 'Secret' and were happy. And the girls thought they knew the 'Secret' and they were happy."

"But the girls did know the 'Secret' didn't they?"

"Oh no. They didn't know the true 'Secret'. Only the old lady did."

I smiled knowingly, "The chaperones!"

My uncle gave me a condescending smile, "Not the chaperones."

"Then who?"

"The true 'Secret' that the wise old woman kept was that there was no old woman."

My great uncle's smile took on a dangerous glint.

[Spec8472]

Well there's High Drama going down at the local nursing home:

This pair of old coots have been having a torrid affair, it's becoming quite a problem. It's not that he is 89 and she's 93 and they're having at it, it's just that they're being so blatant about it. People keep stumbling upon them – under beds, behind the couch, in the TV room, even in the broom closet.

Well it's all become too much, so the resident doctor decides he has to have a word with the old feller and takes him aside for a serious talk.

"Now listen mate" he says, "You just can't keep on doing this, people are getting upset. It isn't just the fact that you're 89 and she is 93, and it isn't just that people keep finding you and falling over you everywhere – it's something more serious mate – she's got acute angina !"

"Yeah I know" cackles the old boy with a toothless grin "I've seen it !!!"

[Spec8472]

A single man and his six year old son are playing outside. It's a few weeks before Christmas, and the Dad asks his son what he wants. "I'd like a big yellow Tonka dump truck. I saw a commercial on the TV and I want a big yellow Tonka dump truck for Christmas!"

The dad thinks that this is a good gift for a six year old boy, after all, he had one when he was a kid. He asks, "Hmm, good idea. Is there anything else you'd like?"

"Well dad, it'd be really cool if you could fill the bed of the truck with ping pong balls. Just load it right up."

The dad thinks this is pretty harmless, he's past the age where he'll eat anything he can pick up, so why not? Christmas morning comes, the son goes downstairs and there it is! A big yellow Tonka dump truck with a big red bow on it. And sure enough, the bed is full of ping pong balls.

The son is ecstatic. "Wow thanks Dad! This is great I love you!" The dad is happy that his son is happy, and helps him get dressed so he can go play outside with his new toy.

After an hour the dad goes outside to check on his son. The kid is still outside playing, but the dad notices something strange. All of the ping pong balls are gone. "No big deal," he says to himself, "They probably just fell out and are buried somewhere. There weren't a whole lot of 'em, no great loss."

Flash forward six years. It's getting to be around Christmas time again, and the dad asks his son what he'd like for Christmas. "Well Dad," says the son, "I'd really like a BMX bike. All my friends have one, and they can do all these neat tricks and I want to do that too! And maybe I could get a paper route and earn some money of my own!"

"That's a great idea," says the dad, who had a paper route and a bike of his own when he was twelve. "Anything else I could get ya?"

"Well dad, it'd be really cool if you could get a basket for the bike, and fill it with ping pong balls."

The dad thinks that's a bit odd, but it doesn't really matter since the basket could be used to hold newspapers too. Christmas morning comes, and the son goes downstairs to see a shiny new BMX bike! And there on the front is a basket full of ping pong balls! Again the kid is ecstatic, and he gives his dad a big hug.

"Thanks dad! This is the best gift ever thank you so much! I can't wait to start learning how to do tricks on this thing."

The kid goes outside to ride his new bike. After an hour he comes back, and the dad goes outside to check on the bike. It's just fine, but all the ping pong balls are missing from the basket. "No big deal," he says to himself. "The street is pretty bumpy, they probably bounced out while he was popping wheelies or something."

Fast forward another six years. The son is now eighteen and a senior in high school. He and his dad have been fixing up an old Camaro in the garage, and it's almost complete. It's two weeks until Christmas, and while they're out in the garage the dad turns to his son and says "Hey son, for Christmas this year I'm gonna let you have this car. You've put a lot of work into it, and you've put a whole lot of work into school. All I ask is you keep your grades up."

"Woah, really Dad!? You're gonna let me have this car? I can't believe it!" says the son.

"Well believe it boy, it's yours. Anything else I can get ya to make it even better?"

"Well Dad, it'd be awesome if you could...fill the car with ping pong balls. Every nook and cranny, wherever there is empty space. In the glove box, in the trunk, the engine compartment, everywhere! Totally packed with ping pong balls."

The dad thinks this is pretty drat strange, but his son is a straight-A student and a captain of the lacrosse team, so he figures he might as well oblige. Christmas morning comes and the son goes to the garage to see a beautifully restored 1969 Camaro, packed to the ceiling with ping pong balls. Thousands of ping pong balls, everywhere there was empty space, as promised. Under the seats, inside the air vents, surrounding the engine, packed into the trunk.

"Holy cow THANKS Dad! This is truly the best Christmas ever! EXACTLY what I wanted!" shouts the son, his dad is beaming with pride.

"Take her out for a spin son, you deserve it."

The kid opens the car's door and ping pong balls come falling out. He scrunches his way into the car, turns it on, and with a wave to his dad pulls out of the garage and takes his new(ish) car out for a drive. He comes back an hour later, and while he's watching TV his dad goes out to the garage to check on the car. Sure enough, all the ping pong balls are gone. There isn't a drat one, not even in the glove box. The dad is kinda pissed, he spent quite a bit of money on all those ping pong balls.

"Son, where the hell did all those ping pong balls go? There were over ten thousand of 'em, and they disappeared in an hour! What's going on? I've been giving you ping pong balls at Christmas for years and you always make them disappear in an hour!"

"Dad, Dad, Dad, don't worry about it. No big deal, I'll explain later. I know it was expensive and I'm sorry, but please don't be mad. You're the best dad a kid could ask for, and I love you." This calms down the dad, after all, he's a big softie when it comes to his kid.

Fast forward another six years. The son is now twenty-four and is moving into his brand-new apartment with his girlfriend. His dad is helping him move his stuff in to the place, and they've finally finished unloading the last box. The dad turns to his son and says,

"Son, you are my pride and joy, and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You graduated in the top of your class and have a great job at one of the best law firms in the country. You have a wonderful girlfriend who I would very much like to be my daughter-in-law, and you two have this nice apartment with a gorgeous view. Is there anything, anything at all I can do to make this more special for you?"

"Well Dad," the son replies. "There's one thing..."

"Just name it," says his dad, "and it's yours."

"I'd really, really appreciate it if you could fill our entire apartment with ping pong balls. Floor to ceiling, in every drawer, under every chair, in every closet. Completely packed with ping pong balls."

"Huh. Well, okay, I guess. I can't see the harm in that, even though it's an odd request. Consider it done."

The next day the son and his dad go to the apartment, and when the front door is opened they are greeted by a flood of ping pong balls. Looking inside the son can see ping pong balls everywhere. He's overjoyed.

"Holy poo poo Dad, this is awesome! Are they everywhere, just like I asked?"

"Well of course they are, Son," says the dad. "In bowls in the cupboard, in the washing mashine, in the reservoir and basin of the toilet. There are ping pong balls in the oven, microwave, dryer and dishwasher. Every available space, because I love you."

The son, with tears in his eyes hugs his father. "Thank you so much," he whispers.

"I need to go run some errands, I'll be back in a bit." says the dad. He goes off and does what he needs to do, then comes back an hour later. As he walks into the apartment, he notices all the ping pong balls are gone. He freaks out. Frantically searching everywhere, he cannot find a single goddamn ping pong ball. The apartment is totally devoid of ping pong balls. Seeing as how he spent a whole lot of money on these, he's pissed.

"Okay son, where the gently caress are the ping pong balls? I was only gone for an hour, there's no WAY you could get rid of all of them that fast. Where did they go? What the hell is going on? Answer me!"

"Dad, you need to relax," the son calmly responds. "Please, I beg of you, don't worry about that. Just head on home and I'll explain everything soon, I promise. I love you Dad."

So the dad drives home and occupies his mind with some housework. A couple months go by and he finds himself sitting at home one evening, reading a book while the TV is on for background noise. He gets a phone call, one no parent ever wants to get.

It's the local hospital, informing him that his son was hit by a drunk driver and is now in critical condition in the ICU. He suffered severe injuries and needed surgery to try and fix all the internal bleeding and damage to his organs. There is a good chance he won't survive much longer. Panicked, the dad drives down and spends two sleepless night at his son's bedside, waiting for him to wake up.

When his son finally does awake, he smiles at his dad and says hello. With tears of joy streaming down his face the dad kisses his son's forehead, and asks how he feels.

"Pretty lovely," answers the son. He smiles then coughs a little. "How are you holding up, Dad? You look like Hell."

"I feel like it, you scared the crap out of me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"Heh, don't be so glum Dad, you're always worrying to much. I'll be fine," says the son. "You look like you want to ask me something though."

Always impressed by how perceptive his son is, the dad answers: "Well yeah, actually. Something that's been bugging me for years, and I'm hoping you can finally shed some light on the subject."

"For years, you've asked for a normal Christmas present. And then you'd ask for an ever-increasing amount of ping pong balls. At first I thought it was just a little quirk, but you always managed to make them disappear within an hour of recieving them. I've bought more ping pong balls than I could count for you, yet you don't keep any of them. You've always been a good kid, never in any sort of trouble, so I wasn't too worried, but it's still really drat strange. I'm not mad about all the money I've spent, I'm just curious at this point. So what's been happening with these ping pong balls all these years?"

Spoiler

Show

The son looks up at his father, says "Well Dad..." and then dies.